Handshakes and dog towels
I have decided my golfing friends now fall into two distinct groups – the vile, horrible ones, and the nice ones. Ever since I wrote an article denouncing kissing my female partners at the end of a round, and being soundly in favour of a firm handshake instead, my vile, horrible friends have taken every opportunity they can to ambush me. Rounds now often start out with the threat that they are going to kiss me at the end – but at least then I have got a full 18 holes to plan an escape strategy.
On the other hand, one of my nice friends spoke in hushed tones to me in the middle of our round during Invitation Day to say that she had already told her partner that I don’t do kissing. As she told me so earnestly, I thought it was very sweet, and quite amusing. Foolishly, I went skiing with three of my vile, horrible friends last Easter, who thought it would be really funny to jump on me on the sofa in the chalet and kiss me for a photo. Yuk! Give me a Golden Retriever any day of the week!
Fortunately, I did manage to convert one of them, after I was very kind to her, guiding her down all the nicest slopes, so from then on she promised to be a hand-shaker. In fact, we always exchange firm handshakes in the car park now whenever we meet, just to show solidarity. And I stress the word ‘firm’ here. There is nothing worse than standing on the 18th green with an extended arm, to be met by a limp-wristed, lily-livered, wet-lettuce handshake in return. It’s horrible. Thus, I was delighted when I spotted an article in the Telegraph sounding out the virtues of a firm handshake.
Apparently, when it comes to interviews, a solid handshake is more important than dress or physical appearance. In the study, it says: ‘The interviewers graded each student’s overall performance and employability, while five trained handshake experts also scored students on their handshake.’ Trained handshake experts? What is the world coming to? Well, it’s certainly an ice-breaker at a party: “What do you do?” “I’m a handshake expert.” I wonder what qualifications you need. When we had to see the careers advice woman at school, she certainly didn’t list that one as a future possibility.
Going back to one of my best friends who was part of the vile horrible group who instigated my chalet photo shoot, she has actually been very useful to me. She may not be my most inspired choice of partner standing over a four-footer in the county foursomes, but she has come up with some cracking ideas.
For example, she introduced me to the benefits of packing a dog towel in my golf bag. Her idea wasn’t to use just any old dog towel, but one of these micro super-absorbent ones that never becomes wet. I already have one in my gym bag as an emergency for when I forget my regular towel.
You might feel a tad self-conscious emerging from the shower wrapped in something only slightly bigger than a flannel, but you can’t help but be impressed by how well something so small can dry you completely. And then I realised what a genius idea it was to transfer it to a golf bag. So, I can’t wait to see what gem of inspiration she has come up with next time we play. I’ll even try not to do violent, dramatic eye ball rolling to the heavens as another putt slides agonisingly by the hole, or sigh loudly, or make tutting noises. I’ll do my best to keep the sniggering down to a minimum. Just as long as she keeps coming up with ground-breaking ideas – and finishes the round with a firm handshake!